i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
