Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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