I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
