Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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