The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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