I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
