im six kinds of drunk right now
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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