I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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