You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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