3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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