Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
A+ Viking dick
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
