Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize