i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
