There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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