so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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