That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
