i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
