why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
