so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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