3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
