My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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