I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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