Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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