Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
