so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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