i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
