the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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