I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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