Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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