Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
