ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
