forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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