My sheets look like a crime scene.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
