she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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