Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
