Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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