Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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