she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
