I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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