The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
