My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Randomize
