Betty ford says i'm here all night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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