He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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