i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
