I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
whose parrot is this?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
