I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
