Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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