Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
