woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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