I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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