I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
