I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We are two peas in an std pod
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
