also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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