I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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