I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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