At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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