I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
