remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
