he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
did you just send me my own nude
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
